Finding Your Voice: Assertiveness Training for Spencerport Residents
If I asked you to close your eyes and remember the last time you were assertive, could you do it? I’m gonna clarify real quick because unfortunately people continue to get “assertive” and “aggressive” mixed up. There’s three ways to communicate that I want you to focus on: First, aggressive. You know it when you see it. When people are all up in your face, being pushy, being forceful, trying to get their way, being scary at times. That is not assertive. That’s aggressive. Second, passive is when you basically become someone’s doormat. Passive people typically have pretty low self-esteem and/or have learned that all their needs, desires, and feelings are secondary to other peoples’. They basically let everyone walk all over them because this is the way they believe things go in the world. That is also not assertive. Assertive is kind of the perfect balance between the two. It’s when you’re comfortable enough with yourself to let others know what you need, want, and feel. You treat others as equals – expecting they will do the same (PS: It’s possible to behave assertively even if you haven’t yet fully gained the confidence you desire. It’s a process.). You stand up for yourself when you feel someone is trying to take advantage of you or is mistreating you in someway. That’s assertiveness. Now let’s try it again. If I asked you to close your eyes, and remember the last time you were assertive, could you do it? If the answer is no, no problem. Today is a new day.
Here is a micro micro lesson to help get you started practicing increasing your confidence and positive feelings about yourself, and eventually become more assertive.
Number 1: All human beings are of equal value. ALL human beings. The sooner you accept this, internalize it, and fully believe it, the more comfortable you’ll be asserting yourself. Even in situations where there is a hierarchy, that person above you in that hierarchy is not better than you. That could be your boss, someone leading a meeting, someone with lots of credentials. Again, that person is not better than you. They have a role to play and they’ve been placed in that role. You’re in a healthy environment when people can be above or below others in that type of hierarchy, and can still be assertive with each other. You can always express your needs, wants, and feelings in a respectful way.
Number 2: You teach people how to treat you by how you interact with them. What does she mean by that? I allow you to be late every time we meet and don’t say anything. I let you borrow my car and you bust it up and don’t pay for it. I don’t object when you talk poorly to me because you had a rough day. If I don’t let you know that treating me this way is not okay, you’ll think it is okay. And it’s a given, but I’m gonna tell you anyway: We can let people know these behaviors are not acceptable in a way that is respectful and loving. Some people think asserting themselves is “mean.” It is NOT. Aggression is ugly. Assertiveness is healthy and respectful to all parties involved. I respect you and me enough to be honest and genuine. We do not have the right to complain about someone’s poor treatment of us if we have allowed them to treat us poorly and have not taught them our boundaries.
Number 3: Start with the basic three (want, need, feel). As I said above, assertiveness is expressing to people what you need, want, and feel. This means if your boyfriend or girlfriend says, “Hey, where do you wanna go for dinner?” You don’t have to always say, “Whatever you like.” Where are all my Coming to America fans? “Whatever food you like.” Yeah, you don’t want to be her. This doesn’t mean you can’t ever say “whatever you like,” but they’re asking your opinion for a reason. If you have a good partner, they want to consider you in decision-making. When you’re thinking of dinner (if you’re a decent partner), you’re not thinking of making or ordering something your partner hates, right? So as a way to start practicing assertiveness, start with this simple, non-confrontational form of communication, the basic 3: What do you need, want, or feel? If someone asks you what you’re thinking, tell them – if you’re comfortable with that. If someone asks you what you want or need, tell them. If someone asks you how you’re feeling, consider again telling them. Assertiveness doesn’t always mean conflict. It means you remember that you are equally important in this interaction and what you want/need/feel matters just as much as the other person.
Guess what, folks?! I specialize in supporting clients in being more assertive. It is tough to find therapists who specialize in this. So if you’re looking for help to be more assertive and gain more of that self-esteem back, contact me and let’s get going! I’m ready to help you stand up for you!
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Clinician Bio
As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, National Certified Counselor, and owner of Beyond Sessions Mental Health Counseling Services PLLC, I help people work to gain confidence and self-esteem and improve their assertiveness skills. Specializing in Adulting, ADHD, Binge Eating, Self-Esteem/Assertiveness, Tech/Phone Addiction, and Christian Counseling, I partner with adults of all ages who feel overwhelmed and are looking for freedom and empowerment. Whether we meet in person at my Spencerport, NY office or connect online throughout New York State, my goal is to help you gain control of what is yours to steward, to equip you with practical coping skills, and to witness you finally step into your genuine self.